(I wrote this over a year ago...thought I would share....it's silly. I never even finished it)

I am invisible. I have been invisible since my senior year of high school. I don't remember exactly when i realized I became invisible, but I know that I am now and that I'm pretty used to it. Since I am invisible, other people can not see me. I can see myself, and know what I look like, but if other's could see me, I would not look like I do to them. If I am sitting in a room full of people, and other's look my way, they see right through me and I snicker to myself because they do not know that I can see them and that I'm watching them. They think they are blending in with everyone around them but I watch them as they shift in their seat and hide how tired they are, or how much they wish they weren't on the outside. I see their loneliness. I see them. I see what they think other's can't. I know they have secrets. I know they have fears. I know they are not truly what their body is presenting to others. I know what they would look like if they were invisible. Though, if they really were invisible, I wouldn't be able to see them anymore. But if they were invisible, I know what they would look like. They would look like me.

Being invisible is fun. Nobody else can see me! I can do whatever I want! Well, maybe not everything. I can't just walk into 7-11 and pour myself a slurpee and walk out. How would one explain the slurpee pouring from the slurpee machine into a cup, a lid being placed on top, a straw being inserted into it, and the slurpee being sucked through the free standing straw and disappearing as it exited? It freaks out people. It's not like after trying to steal a slurpee and freaking people out you can easily explain the situation. Plus, I don't want to be arrested or anything. So, I don't get slurpees often. I get a craving at like 2 in the morning sometimes, but I think I'll pull through, plus i really should save the dollar. Well, it's just a dollar...but anyway...

I can make myself visible if I want. I just don't want to most of the time really. I don't like what other people see me as when I'm visible. It's as if I'm a different person or something. I don't really know what I look like to other people and that makes me uncomfortable since I don't know what I'm presenting as who I am. So, a lot of the time, I become invisible. It's not painful or anything. All I have to do is close my eyes and relax. I let my thoughts flow through my brain and I sometimes write them down in my journal. But most of the time, my thoughts flow through my brain, into my bloodstream, through my heart, into my lungs, and out of my body as i exhale. I become my thoughts. Then I open my eyes and look around. Bingo! I am invisible. I still see my hands and feet and the way my nose is like a blurry blob below my eye line, but I am not visible to other people. If I want to let other's see me, it's simple really, I just look at them, and let them see me. This only happens on a need-to-see-me basis though. Those who I think can handle seeing me, I let them see.

Sometimes I don't have a choice on who sees me or not. For example, I have to let my doctor see me so he knows how to treat me. There is also the circumstance that someone who has seen me, tells someone else about what I shared with them and then the one who has been let in is able to see me. I can't hide from that. Then I am visible to that person whether I like them or not. That is when being invisible sucks. When others know that I'm invisible, they are on the look out for me and it's embarrassing. When I am around them and I am visible, they stare at me, expecting me to become transparent and put on a show of my secret... jerks...all of them. Being invisible isn't something to be taken lightly! It has it's advantages, but it's an extremely serious situation that can become dangerous.

The ability to be invisible is not all it's cracked up to be sometimes. It is lonely at times. Well... it's lonely most of the time. When I'm invisible, the only person that can see me is me. It's like my body is my sanctuary and I spend time with myself to get to know me. When I am invisible, my thoughts ARE me and thoughts aren't always a good thing to exist as. I can't always control my thoughts. They take me scary places like death and hate. Being invisible means that suicide is often appealing because I'm so exclusive to who I show myself to that it doesn't seem worth it sometimes. Those people who see me, most of them love me dearly and help me fight scary thoughts, but usually, when I'm feeling thoughts like death and hate, I feel so vulnerable and insecure, I show myself to no one. Then I hate myself.

Wondering what I look like? Well, when I am solid and visible, I stand at 5 feet, 6 inches, I weigh approximately 170 lbs, some is muscle (like my heart and tounge and other vital stuff like leg muscle and biceps. Glutes. I definitely have them, plus some.), the rest is too many cookies and beer around my thighs and upper arms, belly and my glorious booty. I say approximately 170 pounds because my weight changes throughout the month. When I am invisible, I put on weight because I'm the only one who can see me and I am comfortable with looking at myself no matter what. So I eat whatever I want. It's not like I change bodies, or am a shape-shifter, although that would be cool to try. When I am visible though, I try to lose weight and eat less because I know that people can see me and wonder what happened to make me so heavy. Basically, I worry and care what others think about me. Anyway, I have shoulder-length deep brown hair. Today I made it kind of wavy, and since I've been visible almost all day, it's been fun. In my hair, I also have blonde highlights and some pinkish-red ones in the back that my hairdresser thought to put in. My eyes match the richness of my hair, brown also with tints of green in them. When i cry though, they really look green.

I used to cry a lot. I was invisible almost all the time then. I didn't show myself to anyone. Though usually when I cried, I was in a visible state because the circumstance I was in usually made me sad or irritable. I would cry with who ever i was visible with and then as soon as i composed myself i would retreat into my seclusion.